Here’s the thing about being an adult: You’re accountable for your actions, even when it’s not fun. That means that if you’re going to have casual sex with people, you should know the etiquette. The etiquette is mostly as follows: 1. Don’t try anything without their understanding and consent; and 2. Don’t get up and leave immediately afterward like you’re ashamed of what you just did. It’s 2017. We’ve all hooked up with people and no one expects you to spoon a sweaty stranger all night, but sex is not a drive-thru. If you do need to leave, the best thing to do is be honest and explain yourself (unless you’re leaving because you have another hookup to go to.) Here are some entirely valid reasons for leaving immediately after sex:
1. If there is an earthquake. Everyone who’s lived near a fault line knows that after the shaking stops, you’re supposed to get out of the building. It’s cool if you leave after this, although post-minor-natural disaster sex is probably really good.
2. You realize that you left your oven on.
3. The other person is now snoring in a way that, were you two closer, might push you to recommend seeking medical attention. Since you aren’t closer, it’s just an impediment to you falling asleep.
4. They start Tindering or Bumbling right in front of your face. Ouch.
5. You were having sex in the break room and it’s time to get back to those, uhh… all those reports. The annual reports. What a busy time for both of you.
6. If you happen to be a masked vigilante and justice need be served. It’s for the greater good and we will all understand. Eventually. When your identity comes out.
7. They only own one book. It’s Trump: The Art of The Deal.
8. To go get both of you guys food.
9. You were thinking about your dead childhood dog in order to make The Sex last longer and now you’re starting to tear up and you don’t want the other person to think that you’re crying after sex for obvious reasons and you really just need to get out of there.
10. You notice that they already have framed pictures of you in the house. You guys just matched on Bumble two days ago. How the hell did they print photos that quickly?
11. If they have asked you to leave. This one should probably be higher. Definitely leave if they ask you to leave! Or if they are giving non-verbal clues that they want you to leave. Like handing you your socks. And your keys. And your phone.
12. If your disabled, senior cat gets separation anxiety and really shouldn’t be left at home alone for long periods of time.
13. Their partner—whom you didn’t know about! Right? Right?—comes home.
14. If you realize that while you thought you were ready for it, you probably shouldn’t have hooked up with this person based on where you are emotionally, and it’s better for both of you if you don’t stay. What you can say is, “I’m so sorry. I thought I was ready for this, but I don’t think I should have done this based on where I am emotionally. It’s better for both of us if I don’t stay.”
15. Diarrhea.
